To My Wonderful Advanced Group

So I just got home a few hours ago from working at Catholic Youth Camp in Panora, Iowa. It's one of my favorite places in the world, and the one thing I missed like crazy while I was having the time of my life with all of you. I had a number of people ask me, "Oh yeah, you've been gone, right? So how was Africa?" Mostly in passing, like, "Hey, what's up?" when they didn't really want/have time to hear about it. Mostly I just said it was an incredible experience. And I bragged about you guys a lot. You are seriously the most kind, compassion, generous, thoughtful, intelligent group of individuals that I have ever met. And I say individuals because despite sharing all of those amazing characteristics, you are all so unique and have such a variety of gifts.

So we spend Saturday before the week of camp starts as sort of an orientation to the way things will run for the week and getting (re)acquainted with the other 21 counselors. After dinner, we go to mass. There's a really great band there that just formed in the past year that play for us. I was actually pretty impressed with myself for how I'd been dealing with the reverse culture shock. I really hadn't had any major breakdowns or anything, and I even survived for 15 minutes in the mall and about 15 minutes in a grocery store which I heard were the two toughest places to go. I'd spent a week in Michigan with my family and then a week at home doing laundry and re-packing for camp, so it had been about 2 weeks since the return trip home. I was at mass and listening to a song that the pianist, Eric, had written. I'd heard it a few times earlier in the year and I liked it. The song is called "Made for You."

Chorus:
I am made for you
I am made for your light to shine through
Give me strength so your will I may do
I am made, I am made for You

Verse 3:
When I see the poor on the street
And they don't have enough to eat
I will not turn away
I'll be You for them today

I was fine until the 3rd verse. This was the opening song of mass. I got a little teary. I made it for one more chorus and then I had to leave. I went back to the bathroom and completely broke down. I don't know when I've last sobbed like that. It took me until the homily to calm down (like 30 minutes) and then of course I was a Eucharistic Minister (handing out communion bread) - red eyed and everything.I just feel like there is such a huge, overwhelming problem. It's something I've been thinking about a lot since that breakfast conversation we had on the Thursday before we left when Eric was talking about some of his frustrations. I want to be able to go and help. But I question how much help I can do as a Mzungu: a white, privileged American going in to "fix" the problems of Africa. (If you've seen the Last King of Scotland, I'm thinking of the line where Idi Amin says to the doctor something along the lines of, You white people just think that you can waltz right in and fix all of our problems) I want to help, I really really do. It's been my plan for my life to live in Africa and do some sort of relief work. But I wonder if foreigners and creating a culture of dependence when as soon as a child on the streets sees a Mzungu they come running with their hands up. When like Spencer and Eric said, Jimmy - a wonderful, genuinely compassionate and well-meaning man - who has no mortgage whatsoever on the school says how can I get VEDCO to bring their program and sponsor my school rather than ok, I can start a school gardening program, we have the tools to do that now that we've seen what they do. I wonder if debt relief helps countries recover from colonialism or if it enables/encourages government corruption. Don't get me wrong, I don't for a minute think that what we did for the last month was in vain. We did a lot of incredible work. We lived with the people. We learned from Edith and David every night and from the workers each day. We built valuable relationships with nearly every person that we saw daily, and even some people that we only saw once or twice. We gained so much more than we could possibly have given to them. And I really value that. These are just some things that I personally am struggling with. And for some reason, that song just hit me in a way that I could not handle at that particular moment. I felt like I really want to feed the hungry, but I can't. I'm only one person. I can't just go around handing out money. I know that we can go around with food, but I just feel like it's so much more valuable if the change comes from within - from Ugandans, Africans, people like Edith and all of the UWCM staff - rather than from me who comes in and reinforces the stereotype of the rich white American. Sigh. I am trying to explain only what I feel and not offend any of you in any way. I just feel so frustrated with how huge all of this is. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. Anyway, thanks for putting up with my story. I tried to explain it to a few of my close friends, but they just couldn't understand. They tried hard, I know they meant well, and it's not their fault, they just didn't experience what I did. So that's my big update.

On a lighter note, I have a new Africa playlist which includes songs like Africa by Toto, We're Not Gonna Take It by the Twisted Sisters, and Mayberry by Rascal Flatts because it reminds me of getting Cokes at the Grace Drug Shop. Unfortunately, I couldn't find "You are Welcome" on iTunes. What was that other one with the weird music video that Bobby and Spencer sang all the time? Any recommendations for more songs? Oh, also Jeremiah was a Bullfrog from our brick throwing days.

I really want to thank each and every one of you for being so open and honest and genuine throughout the whole trip. I really felt like we were a complete family - I still do. I miss you all so much. I'll be on RAGBRAI tomorrow (Saturday) through Monday, then back home until Saturday when I go back to work another week of camp - I've already heard the song a few more times and been fine, so I don't anticipate any more breakdowns. I had talked to Fix, a staff member, about the incident and I saw him looking at me the next time the song came on (when I was of course, a Eucharistic Minister again), which was really sweet. Bobby, I'll take your suggestion on providing my new foreign exchange student with F2F, though she is from what I like to refer to as a "cold-climate culture" as well. I am so excited to see all of you on August 13th and even sooner if anyone makes plans any sooner. For tonight, I am going out with some fellow counselors to stand in line for the Midnight release of Harry Potter 7. If anyone is riding RAGBRAI, give me a call on my cell phone and I'd love to meet up with you on Sat or Sun afternoon/evening. Thanks for the update, Jo (I think I may have beaten you on the long/rambling email). I'd love to hear from everyone else on what's new.

Love, Nora

PS - I had a camper named Sammi Koen (but pronounced like Cohen), and I thought of Sam and all of you!